Real Beauty

All women can get wrapped up in our society's definition of beauty... even Christians (even me.) In fact, I have heard many stories of women who are beautiful as our society defines it and still feel empty and undesirable. 


So, what is the definition of true beauty? 

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:3-4 


What - or better yet - WHO are you going to let define your beauty?

Hands of the Healer

When I fail...

Overwhelmed by Grace and unconditional Love is the only way to describe life right now. Overwhelmed is probably an understatement. For weeks God has been putting me into situations where I need to trust Him...more and more each time a bit of my walls have been broken down without me realizing it. Only now I see what has been hiding underneath. The walls I put up to protect myself are the same walls that have been hiding myself. Afraid to fail, I doubted the Love that never fails, even when I do. Afraid to fail in relationships, at work, in parenting, with finances...the underlying need to be perfect so I will be loved fed those fears. When the walls I put up keep people away and the times I isolate myself push people away, one thing remains and never gives up on me. For years I have known that I do not have to be perfect to be loved, but the walls around my heart couldn't let that truth in. No matter who tried to tell me in their own way, I doubted their truths and assigned the idea that they "had to say that" because they are my friend. I have been telling myself these lies and have been giving the enemy stronghold over my life.

Achieving perfection in any of those areas of my life will never fill the desire and craving in my heart for unconditional, unfailing love. There is only one Love that can be described as such and one Love that will reach deeper than I can see to fill the well of my heart. In being honest about these lies, I can finally freely bring my desires and cravings to Him - my thirst that can only be satisfied by His living water. Just this little taste of it has brought new life.

What a gift God has given us in that we get to experience His living Word so closely. The gift of knowing Him-not from a distance, but personally, and being known by Him-completely.

"We do this because our hearts were made to worship and find our worth in Him alone...By changing our focus to the Giver, we can then begin to look to Him for our identity and purpose. By worshiping Him for who He is, we remember how valuable we are in Him and to Him."

Seeing you as God sees you changes everything!

"It is a moment by moment, day by day experience where we process our thoughts, emotions and decisions with God, positioning our hearts to let His perspective redefine ours."

This is a journey God started me on a few years ago and I am seeing Him work until it is finished...a lifetime of growing more secure in His love, identifying myself in Him alone, and seeking Him and not the acceptance of this world.

The best gift is to be able to draw near to I AM just as I am.

-quotes from A Confident Heart by Renee Swope

Fight for Hope

Do not get discouraged in your season of suffering. Do not lose hope when your dreams meet reality. Be open to God deepening His character in you through perseverance when expectations are not met.

We all have expectations and when reality hits and some are not met, do not give up. Be true to who God made you to be and boldly declare your trust in Him. Stand with a confident heart - God knows you intimately and meets you in that place, wherever you are. The seasons of life can beat you down or build your character to be more like His. Hope, not in the fleeting circumstances and seasons of this world, but in Him. A tangible Hope and Love that never fails!

Journey to a confident heart

I am so blessed to have a great sister with a very expensive Master's Degree in Social Work who can talk truth into my crazy emotions once a month. I am also grateful that this craziness only lasts a day or two each month and I usually know when to expect it :)

I am also blessed by a loving God who uses these emotions to break down my walls - little by little. I have learned to try and be strong and hold it together all of the time, but I can always count on God to tear down the walls for a day or two before I rebuild them - not as high and not as strong. 


Today was one of those days that God used to break me down and removed my own strength so that I all had was His. 


Church
Today we had a payer/healing service at church taken from James 5:13-16:


Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise.¹⁴ Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵ And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. ¹⁶ Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.


I usually go on Saturday night, but we went this morning instead. I was so excited to see my friend and her husband there together. They are living separately right now and this was a big answer to prayers - or so I thought. Once we sat down together, she explained that they come together every week and pretend that everything is okay. While disappointed that it wasn't more than that, I was blessed to see brokenness in both of them during the service. While he courageously went down for prayer, she wept by my side. No words were exchanged between us as I just hugged her (and I teared up too), so I don't know the reason, but I am confident that God was breaking down a piece of the wall she has up...and possibly some of mine too.

A Confident Heart by Renee Swope
I added this book to my Kindle a few months ago when it was free, honestly, thinking I would probably never get to reading it. I decided to start reading it today, and based on a conversation with my best friend yesterday, it is no coincidence that this book is in my hands.

The author knows me...knows what is in my head and what is in my heart. Really, God knows me, what is in my head and what is in my heart and He put this book in my life. Word for word, she describes my fears, my insecurities, my desires and the longing of my heart. I have a hard time crying (due to the walls of being "just fine"), but I just wept as I read chapter 2 of the book.

"Being honest about who we are and how we are doing is especially risky when it comes to 
our insecurities. We fear that if people know we doubt ourselves, they’ll start doubting us too...

...Pretending leads to hiding and isolation. What we need is someone who will pursue us and 

accept us even though we’re flawed. Yet most of us doubt anyone would ever stick with us if 

we let them get too close. So we put up walls and hide our struggles, even from God, hoping 

we’ll convince Him and everyone else that we’re fine. 

Eventually, though, we find ourselves in the shadows of doubt, convinced that we aren’t 

worth knowing or pursuing. Slowly we begin to believe we have to be perfect to be loved and 

accepted. We know we never will be—but we’ll die trying, won’t we?

For much of my life, I put expectations of perfection on myself because I thought if I let 

others see my weakness and insecurities they would think less of me."

The chapter also gave me a new perspective on the Samaritan woman Jesus meets at the well. Every sermon I hear tends to make it sound like it is her sins that have led to her lifestyle and, while that may be true, I had never heard her described this way. I have compassion for her. I see me in her.


"She’d been married five times. In her culture women could not divorce their husbands, so 
she had been discarded by five men and was now living with a man who didn’t think she was 
worth committing to. We meet her one day while she is running errands and running away 
from those who knew all about her flaws and failed marriages. Feeling imperfect and 
ashamed, she walked to the well alone that day."


Not only do I have a new understanding of "Sam", I have been there. I know those feelings all too well. I still experience those feelings too often.

I had a conversation with my best friend yesterday about this, the message at church was about this, I read this part in the book today and my sister spoke this same truth into me. I do not doubt the way God has used those four circumstances to reveal Himself to me. It has been disappointing to think I had not personally healed from so much of my past as much as I thought I did, but, I am so hopeful in that I actually have healed and now I am on a journey to be broken down deeper...a journey towards a more confident heart in Him. I resisted this pain, but today, I welcome it. I welcome the brokenness. I welcome my Father into it - without pretending and without hiding, but just me as I am - confident He accepts me and loves me.




"Will you let your desire to be known and loved just as you are lead you into a more 
personal and intimate relationship with Jesus? The first step is to embrace your imperfections 
in the light of God’s perfect love, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in 
you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil. 1:6)."

He has overcome

I am blessed by a best friend who, not only knew that a spiritual attack would come this week, but could intercede with prayer and join me in the fight. I am amazed by our God of hope and love, and for His reminder recently that “There is no fear in My love, which shines in you continually. Sit quiet in My Love-Light, while I bless you with radiant Peace. Turn your whole being to trusting and loving me.” (Jesus Calling, June 3).

This battle is not mine to fight on my own. The struggles have already been overcome. Thank you, Father, for knowing the struggles and desires of my heart in advance, for arming me with a name of truth (Amanda = worthy of love) and for the assurance that You have already won. Today, I choose to take heart in the promise that Your love will always be enough. Today, I choose to courageously stand firm against these strongholds with the true identity I have already found in You. Today, I choose to claim Your truth of acceptance as I am. I will not fear… I will trust.         


“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears in not made perfect in love”. John 4:18


All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failures
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

Unexpected Brokenness

I received a jury duty summons in January and I was NOT happy about it. I had to go into the superior court and it was the day after my birthday. I had all of my excuses (lies) ready to get out of serving on a jury. That morning, I was in the first group called, the first group of 6 to be questioned (they had already selected 10 the day before) and I was the only one of the 6 to be kept. By the end of the day, we had 12 jurors and two alternates and finished opening statements. The case was attempted murder with enhancements for active criminal street gang membership, shooting with a semiautomatic weapon and doing it for the benefit of the gang.  It was exciting! The whole court process is so interesting and I felt very privileged to be serving. I would want someone like me on my jury - I am fair and caring. I knew that I could make a fair decision based off of the evidence.

For the next three days, I spent the day in court, staring right at the defendant (though a big, bad member of a gang, looked timid, weak, pale and kind of attractive to be honest. Being the only one who had a direct view of him at all times, I had a lot of time to see him less of a violent criminal enemy and more of a human who has made really bad choices in life and was now having to face the consequences for them. I am all for consequences. I believe God uses them to teach us, train us and refine us.

Then, after 4 days of the trial, we showed up and the defense counsel called out sick. We showed up Wednesday and the defense counsel called out sick again. The court called us Wednesday night to tell us that counsel would be out again on Thursday and to not go in. Friday, I was excited to get back to court. I really wanted to see the case all of the way through. Partially because I knew I would be fair in my verdict, but also because I really wanted to be a part of the whole system and learn about it firsthand. Well, the defense counsel called off again and the judge released us from the case. He will be re-tried in a few week with a new jury and probably a new public defender. I was very disappointed. Just for kicks, the jury (at this point in the testimony) would have voted not guilty on attempted murder, guilty for assault with a semi, and true for all of the gang enhancements. I think he was looking at around 15-20 years in state prison for it. I couldn't wait to google it and him...and I did. I love knowledge and facts. Plus, part of me wanted to know more about a man who was jumped into a gang at 12 years old. I really wanted to know more of his story.

I was grateful for all of the prayers I received for protection of my heart and mind as I went through the trial, but what I didn't expect was how I'd feel after it was over. After my internet research and some details I found out, including being married, I have really been struggling with this. My mind hasn't changed about his guilt, but I am broken over the fact that this man does not know Christ, or does but has chosen this criminal life to live. And, he has a wife waiting at home for him. My heart is really breaking over this and I am so glad that I don't have to make that judgement anymore. Tonight's service at church broke me over this and I am so grateful for a close friend and one of the pastors who were there to ask me how I was, be there when I lost it emotionally and pray with me. I don't know what to do with this brokenness. It is so unexpected.

What happened at church is to be continued tomorrow...