I've started writing a few blogs lately, but they turn into ramblings without any purpose. Writing that is more suited for a journal than an online blog open for the world to read.
I've been living a life of false strength for a while now. Putting up walls that appear to hold everything together because I am so afraid to show weakness. Afraid to show that I don't have it all together because I have put so much pressure on myself to have it together by now. I've been divorced for almost 5 years now -5 YEARS!!! Some days it feels like yesterday, but most days it feels like a lifetime ago. I have very few memories of being married and those I have are great memories of being married...not so great memories of the person I was married to.
In many ways I do have my life together. My kids and I have great home in an safe city. We have friends who care about us, family close by. I have a well-paying job where I am appreciated, have medical benefits and have a flexible schedule. We are so blessed with always having food and money for fun adventures. The boys have a stable environment, they are thriving in school and sports and are (for the most part) happy, friendly boys.
Life is good.
Life is also lonely. For too long I have been trying to do life alone. I let people in just enough so I don't need to show them the tough parts. I'm really struggling with feeling sorry for my divorced life right now. My boys are getting a sister soon and their dad is leaving for months again. Neither of which have anything to do with me, but both impact my life immensely. Nights like this are the most lonely - where I need a shoulder to cry on just to cry, but need to stay strong for my boys. I feel needy and selfish. I have even withdrawn from God so much that I am often afraid of crying out to Him. Afraid to have Him hold me and love me. Afraid to have Him break these chains of unworthiness. Afraid to live again. Afraid to accept that this life will follow me no matter how much I "have it all together". Marriage is not meant to be broken, but I am not meant to be bound by the chains of divorce.
There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain...
Yes EVERY chain. Even my chains. The ones I am coming to realize I keep putting back on myself. I need to be strong...not this false strength I've been hiding behind. But the strength to face this unwarranted fear of crying out to Jesus. To surrender my control issues (I am also realizing how much I like to be in control) and reach out to my Father to hold me and love me. To be strong enough to stop caring what people think about how I look or what I do. To live for Christ. To live for my boys. To live for me.
And, once again, I'm writing with too many words...