He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. - Psalm 91:4
Physically broken...I prayed for this A LOT a few years ago. I prayed for him to break. My first counselor started it - he prayed for him to physically break. His prayer was that if he physically broke, he would spiritually break - he would see his life from someone else's eyes - God's. He would stop putting his identity in the military and let Christ be his everything. And then - it would all work out. God would heal our marriage, we would be stronger than ever and our testimony would help marriage everywhere.
It never happened.
You all know that story, so I won't go into it. If you don't, check out my other blog.
I randomly met a man that gave me a bit of butterflies last week - a crush. Our meeting, though I've decided I don't want it to go anywhere, showed me healing. I am healing. In fact, I have healed from the marriage, the affair, the divorce. I am neutral. I don't hate him. I don't desire him. I don't know how to explain it except for neutral.
I found out on Thursday, but I think it happened a few days before this healing revelation. He broke his foot at work and is out for a few weeks to a few months. I don't think it is a coincidence. I prayed and prayed and prayed for this. My friends, my church, my counselors all prayed for this. I divorced and I still prayed for our marriage to be healed. He got married and though it was closure for me, my heart hurt and I was still broken.
I healed and he broke.
I feel so protected by God. I have been protected all of the way through this 3-year storm. God's hands have written this story through me of such loving and amazing restoration. His heart and love transformed me from pieces of broken clay.
I am praying the same will happen for him.
Crazy - I know it's crazy. After seeing God's Radical Grace, in my life, throughout the Bible and in the lives of those around me - I want him to experience it too. I want HER to experience it too. After all, it's God's love and grace to give.
I feel like it is an out-of-body experience. Aliens have taken over my mind and my heart. Christ has taken over my mind and heart. I forgive him. I actually want him to move to CA. I want to invite both of them to church WITH us - not just to our church at a different service. WITH us. To sit with me.
I want him to break spiritually - for him - for her - for the boys - for Christ. I want him to experience this immense humbling that painfully refines. It hurts, but it is worth it all.
He doesn't deserve for me to feel this way or pray these things for him. But - that's what Grace is. And even more - that's what God's Radical Grace is.