Purifying Life - Prude or Prune?

I want to be pure - my heart, my mind, my thoughts, my sexuality...some of those are much easier than others for me.

I remember my life a few years ago where this seemed easy. It seemed normal.
Stop watching certain TV shows that are not pleasing to God - Check.
Stop listening to music that glorifies anything but God - Check.
Stop reading books that tempt my thoughts to be sinful - Check.

I felt convicted of things in my life and saying "no" to them came natural. Climbing the mountain to purifying my heart and life took little effort.

But the slope back down is a slippery one. It is also gradual and "innocent."

Baby steps, one at a time, equal a giant leap when you stop to look back. Each little compromise leads down a path that you don't realize you are on until you are far down it.

I'm not a prude person, though most of our society may think so. I desire what is good and pure and holy and true. I know that God loves me and wants what is best for me. I want to experience what He has made that is best for me. I want to wait until marriage to have sex this time. Not because it is what you are supposed to do as a Christian or because it is what God says to do. I know that God would not want that for me unless it was the best for me - and I want to experience His love in that way. That's not so hard for me right now, but I also fear that the men who will also want that are few and far between. I fear my pickings are pretty slim as I hit 31 next month. No only that, but I am divorced with two kids and I will not have any more. I almost died once and my boys need me too much to risk it again. Okay - I got off on a tangent - back to being purified.

I have made little compromises in my life and I feels so hard to go back this time. It is mostly with TV shows. I know they are not as bad as others I could be watching, but still I feel the conviction and I am having a hard time saying "no." I am starting to see it in my music choices too. Not all of them, but a couple here and there. I know it isn't God's best for me, but I am a strong Christian. Just because I watch that show doesn't mean I believe what they do and say is right. Just because I listen to that song doesn't mean I condone the language or behaviors glamorized in it. Ha!

Our sermon this week reminded me of the Nicolaitans mentioned in Revelation. I can't expect to eat the food sacrificed to (insert sin/temptation/the world) and go out and claim to be a follower of Christ. This is hard though because it tastes so good. And it doesn't seem to harm me at all, but Jesus HATES it!

I realized tonight that this may seem prude to even my Christian friends, but I consider it my pruning. It hurts. It is hard. But, just maybe instead of watching the Bachelor for two hours, I'll pray. Instead of listening to Katy Perry in the car, I will worship God with my music.

I want to have a heart of worship for God all of the time. Instead I have been filling it with everything but God.

So, Good-bye The Bachelor (Ben, I know you are about to make your choice.)
Good-bye Grey's Anatomy (You all really should stop sleeping with each other.)
Good-bye a lot of things in my life.
I need to continue building my relationship with the One who truly matters.

Only One is worthy

The higher the pedestal you put someone on, 

the harder the fall if they let you down. ~ Anonymous

I ran into a woman from the group I currently facilitate at Costco today. The conversation was very uncomfortable for me as she put me on a pedestal. She told me all about how she looks up to me and I am such an inspiration to her. She thinks that I am so beautiful on the inside and outside. She thinks she can learn so much from me and really admires me. She's 63. I'm 30. 

All that I could say was that I just show up and God does the rest. 

It is not very often that I am admired - and not that I want to be - I just usually feel like I can't do anything right. Unworthy is a better word for it. The best word for it. It's a stronghold. My mind knows it is not true, but my heart doesn't always connect with it. 

I've put people on a pedestal before. One person in particular and it was because I felt so unworthy. Because I felt so unworthy, I imagined someone to be more than what they were. It was unfair to both of us. 

And, the fall was hard. 

There is One who is worthy of being on that pedestal. 

There is One who sits high on the throne. 

I do not need to put anyone else up there or have anyone put me up there. I am so grateful for that.

I just want to show up and let God do the rest. 

I just say "yes." 

I try to lean into what is hard and uncomfortable and allow the situations to grow my character. 

I don't always do it. Sometimes I withdraw and hide. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. 

When people take notice of me, I get uncomfortable with the complements. 

Maybe because I feel unworthy of them.

Maybe because I am unworthy of them.

There is One who is worthy, and though I am not, He still loves me.

And that is all I need. 

"All Glory, Honor, Power is Yours AMEN!"

Broken...

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. - Psalm 91:4


Physically broken...I prayed for this A LOT a few years ago. I prayed for him to break. My first counselor started it - he prayed for him to physically break. His prayer was that if he physically broke, he would spiritually break - he would see his life from someone else's eyes - God's. He would stop putting his identity in the military and let Christ be his everything. And then - it would all work out. God would heal our marriage, we would be stronger than ever and our testimony would help marriage everywhere. 


It never happened. 


You all know that story, so I won't go into it. If you don't, check out my other blog. 


I randomly met a man that gave me a bit of butterflies last week - a crush. Our meeting, though I've decided I don't want it to go anywhere, showed me healing.  I am healing. In fact, I have healed from the marriage, the affair, the divorce. I am neutral. I don't hate him. I don't desire him. I don't know how to explain it except for neutral. 


He broke.


Physically.


I found out on Thursday, but I think it happened a few days before this healing revelation. He broke his foot at work and is out for a few weeks to a few months. I don't think it is a coincidence. I prayed and prayed and prayed for this. My friends, my church, my counselors all prayed for this. I divorced and I still prayed for our marriage to be healed. He got married and though it was closure for me, my heart hurt and I was still broken. 


I healed and he broke. 


I feel so protected by God. I have been protected all of the way through this 3-year storm. God's hands have written this story through me of such loving and amazing restoration. His heart and love transformed me from pieces of broken clay. 


I am praying the same will happen for him. 


Crazy - I know it's crazy. After seeing God's Radical Grace, in my life, throughout the Bible and in the lives of those around me - I want him to experience it too. I want HER to experience it too. After all, it's God's love and grace to give. 


I feel like it is an out-of-body experience. Aliens have taken over my mind and my heart. Christ has taken over my mind and heart. I forgive him. I actually want him to move to CA. I want to invite both of them to church WITH us - not just to our church at a different service. WITH us. To sit with me. 


I want him to break spiritually - for him - for her - for the boys - for Christ. I want him to experience this immense humbling that painfully refines. It hurts, but it is worth it all. 


He doesn't deserve for me to feel this way or pray these things for him. But - that's what Grace is. And even more - that's what God's Radical Grace is. 

He Delights...

The LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.
       Psalm 147:11


For the LORD takes delight in his people; 
   he crowns the humble with victory.      Psalm 149:4


I just want to be surrounded and consumed by this truth over the weekend.


God delights in me.
God delights in you.   

Rooted 2

This Tuesday is the start of Rooted and I am leading a group for the second time in a row. Many emotions are flowing through me about it...fear, excitement, self-doubt, hope...some from the Holy Spirit and some from our enemy.

Most of all, I have been praying more for this group and this experience they will have. I pray that God will bring the right people into my group - not those I would put in there, but those that God wants there.

If you are reading this, please pray for my group over the next 10 weeks and for me as I facilitate conversation and battle the roadblocks the enemy puts in front of us.

Thanks!

Freedom is Here!!!

Everyone.

Whosoever.

All.

Freedom is here for everyone.

Love is here for everyone.

Jesus came for everyone.

I love this song...but especially this version and this video. The main thing I took away from church this week is who everyone is. There are no requirements. There are no life changes to be accepted. There is no cleansing to take place. No ritual or ceremony. You are everyone. I am everyone. Right where we are. 

Jesus came for you and me...to free us from ourselves...and to restore a relationship with God. To free us to live eternal life - NOW. TODAY! Freedom came so we can be free today! 

Live it!!!

Love people!!!!

Serve the needy!!!!

Build relationships!!!

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, 

that whoever 

believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 

John 3:16

Who am I?

In Christ, I am...

*I am a light in the world (Matt. 5:14)

*I am a child of God (John 1:12)

*I am Christ’s friend (John 15:15)

*I am chosen & appointed by Christ to bear his fruit (John 15:16)

*I am a slave of righteousness (Rom. 6:18)

*I am a joint heir with Christ (Rom. 8:17)

*I am a temple, a dwelling place, of God (1 Cor. 3:16; 6:19)

*I am a member of Christ’s body (1 Cor. 12:27; Eph. 5:30)

*I am a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17)

*I am reconciled to God & a minister of reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:18-19)

*I am a saint (Eph. 1:1-2; 2 Cor. 1:1-2)

*I am God’s workmanship (Eph. 2:10)

*I am a citizen of heaven (Phil. 3:20; Eph. 2:6)

*I am righteous & holy (Eph. 4:24)

*I am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:12)

*I am a daughter of light & not of darkness (1 Thess. 5:5)

*I am an enemy of the Devil (1 Peter 5:8)

*I am victorious (1 John 5:4)

*I am born again (1 Peter 1:23)

*I am alive with Christ (Eph. 2:5)

*I am more than a conqueror (Rom. 8:37)

*I am the righteousness of God (2 Cor. 5:21)

*I am born of God & the evil one cannot touch me (1 John 5:18)

*I am to be like Christ when he returns (1 John 3:1-2)