Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Desperate for a Sign

I would've settled for anything: a burning bush, a parted sea or water turned into wine. Heck, I would've had water turn into coffee. I was looking to stand on the mountaintop I had come to know so well and hear His booming voice from the heavens.

For the past two years, God has shown up in BIG ways. Bigger than I could have imagined and, not only big, but clear. There was no doubt when God showed up in my life and anyone who knew me could see Him too.

But, I have been in this place before. A place where I was so desperate to see Him that I took a circumstance into my own hands and attributed it to Him. As many of you know, my ex-husband had a long term affair. God was showing up BIG in my life during our separations and I knew He was telling me to stay. With every step I took, I seeked His guidance and just wanted my obedience to glorify Him. I grew weary of being a single mom, holding my family, marriage and home together while my husband was out with another woman, but I desperately wanted my marriage to work. I wanted my marriage to be a miracle restoration. My husband came and went a few times during a year and I was finally done, but not really. We had been separated for five months that time and there were a few glimpses of him wanting to come home, so I ran with it. I offered him "one more chance" and he took it. Our family was back together on New Years' Eve and we were going to be together forever. Until we weren't.

The first few weeks were great and there was no denying God was there. After all, I believed and still do believe that God wanted my marriage to be restored. But, the honeymoon only lasted a few weeks and I knew that the only thing for me to do was leave. I was so desperate for God to show up and restore my marriage that when I found an email from my husband to his girlfriend again while we were reconciling I thought God had given up on me. It was only months later that I realized, in my desperation to stay married, God did show up, but it was MY hand that guided my ex-husband home and it was HIS hand that guided me to leave. Some may argue with me and say I needed to forgive seven times seventy as Jesus instructs in Matthew and should have taken him back an unlimited amount of times, but God knew me and my heart. He knew that I would have done that, but also that my husband wasn't going to stop his affair. See, I wrote an email on a Sunday night and sent it to a friend instead of my husband. In it, I said I was leaving that Friday since he refused counseling and refused to keep his girlfriend out of our lives. Again, that was Sunday. I didn't send it to him. God knew that come Friday, I was going to give him "one more chance" and another and another. Monday morning, I found the love email to his girlfriend. Coincidence? I don't believe so.

So, now a divorced, single mom, I saw God work BIG in my life over the past year as well, but lately I have thought He was so silent. I was so used to seeing Him so clearly that I stopped seeking Him and just expected Him. In a months time, I am moving out of my apartment back into my parent's house, my ex-husband moved across the country and the family renting our house is moving out of state as well. There it was...God was showing up for me. I was supposed to move back into my old house and start my family's lives over again there on my own. Well, I thought God was showing up for me. Thankfully, I learned how to stop and be still before making a choice this big and the more I prayed the more I saw that this move wasn't for me. The coincidence of it was not my sign. I was about to discredit everytime God unmistakeably showed up and showed me and I am right where He wants me to be all because I was restless...more than restless, I was lost and desperate to find a way out of it.

So Lord, I surrender it all to you now. I know I am where you want me to be, bur I don't know why or where to go next. If I am to be still, please close doors and open wide the ones I am to go through. I give you my life, my children, my job search, my finances and my ex-husband...I lay them all at the foot of Your cross, I will make a mess of them on my own. They are Yours to use and put back together according to Your will. Thank You for showing up in big ways. Thank you for being there even when you seem silent. Thank you for this week and the celebration of your resurrected Son on Sunday. Thank you for His sacrifice and the new life You have given me.

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