Saturday, June 30, 2012

To Trust or Not To Trust

I hoped that trusting my ex-husband would be easier now that I forgive him, but after a taste of it yesterday, I don't think that is going to happen for a while. I want it to...I try to assume the best in everyone. It's rare that you will find me stressing over someone's actions because my heart wants to believe the good in people...good intentions and good reasons. I don't feel any hurt or resentment, but I've heard "T'm sorry" way too many times without matching actions that I still feel manipulated when it comes from him.

I know that God is calling me to show him love and I am so blessed by friends, old and new, that have been encouraging me and reassuring me that this is what I need to CHOOSE to do. It is difficult though.

It had been a while since we have had an argument and I knew exactly how the conversation (argument) was going to go yesterday. I prayed it wouldn't go that way, but it did. (On a lighter note, another sign of my healing was that I was able to hang up the phone, take a deep breath, and move on with my day. I didn't let it effect me or aggravate me to continue an argument.) 

An hour after the phone call he called me back to apologize. I know! An apology for arguing with me, how he spoke to me and how he reacted. At first the "I'm sorry" (actually quite a few of them) were great signs that things may not be as bad as I anticipated with his move out here. I was able to finally tell him how much I forgive him, have no resentment or anger towards him and hope that we can start to build a positive relationship to work together for the kids. It seemed like a great conversation.

Then, I found out that his sister has filed for divorce, has a lawyer and NC and he is with them in NC right now. Flashbacks of all of his manipulations with his words and "I'm sorry" came back. Part of me feels like this is no different than in the past. His family doesn't like me anymore, so I can only imagine what happened when he got off of the phone with me the first time. I want to believe the best, but...

I know that the law is on my side and I have nothing to fear, but the threats are all too familiar. I am realizing more that he is going to have to earn trust back from me. I trust him with the kids, but at this point, I wouldn't put anything past him directly between us.

Then again, maybe God is working in his heart and the apology was honest. I guess I will just love him through this, and trust God, especially when I can't trust him.

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